While looking for jobs, I saw a posting of someone looking for a crew for a short film. Unfortunately, you had to join the site (join meaning pay a fee) to see contact details or anything like that, and the job wasn't paid so it wasn't even worth it. Anyway... the film was being done in memory of the person's sister, who at 30, committed suicide.

I grew up in a town drenched in fear after a record number of suicides in teens in the 90s. It's still happening, even now. Yellow ribbon, for those of you who don't know, is the suicide ribbon. I've heard story after story because of this history, and for more personal reasons, this issue is near to my heart. As such, I've continually heard stories about it over the years, and sometimes I feel like it's following me. A constant reminder of the aftermath of a suicide. People left in heartache for decades, people filled with regret they should never have, guilt that steals years off of the lives that are left behind.

It's my own personal reminder. I'm not allowed to leave, not allowed to skive out early. I read these stories and I hear my family speaking, see their tears, feel their agony, know their despair. In experiencing their pain, I know that I could never do that to them.

There are days when I'm scared, though. Days when I worry that I won't be strong enough. Days when I'm terrified that I won't live out my natural life, that I simply won't have any strength left. I am worn down, I am weak, I am fighting with all I have left to not be vulnerable to what scares me.

Seems strange, to be scared that you might commit suicide when your heart and mind have formed a solid union wanting to live. But there is a part of me that is sick, and has been sick for over a decade now. This part is the part of me that I have to fight against at my weakest, for that is when it surfaces. I'm terrified that someday I won't have any strength left and I won't be able to fight it, and that it will take over just long enough to do all it needs to do.

There is so much I want out of life, so much life I have yet to live. I want to get married someday, I want to have children someday, I want to direct films, I want to tell great stories, I want to grow old and see my grandchildren and hopefully even great-grandchildren. I want to be that old couple in the park holding hands as they walk together, probably at a turtle's pace.

All I want is the strength to always live. I don't mean to live forever, I mean to always choose life, to always win out over the part of me that has wished myself dead for so very long.