so very human

I just watched Never Let Me Go and I was left thinking about how utterly human it is. Within the minutes following, I am left thinking about what that means to me, what it takes for something to be human.

It didn't take long for me to start comparing it to Atonement. The similarities are vast, but there are a few things that cross over between them (other than Keira Knightley) that cause them to permeate my soul. Jealousy, pain, lovers who will never be together, death, and the need to find redemption and forgiveness. The combination of such things to me is sort of my weak point. A script that could tie all these together would automatically shoot to the top of my "this needs to be made" list. And I would want to direct it.

The ending monologue Carey Mulligan's character has was what really hit the hardest for me.
"What I'm not sure about, is if our lives have been any different from the lives of the people we save. We all complete. Maybe none of us really understand what we've lived through, or feel we've had enough time."

At the end of the film, there was nothing more potent that could have been said, done, seen, heard, or spoken. It reminded me, in some way, of Briony's final monologue at the end of Atonement, although this is where the films differ.

"So, my sister and Robbie were never able to have the time together they both so longed for, and deserved. And which ever since, I’ve…ever since I’ve always felt I prevented. But, what sense of hope or satisfaction could a reader derive from an ending like that? So in the book I wanted to give Robbie and Cecilia what they lost out on in life. I’d like to think this isn’t weakness or evasion. But a final act of kindness I gave them: their happiness."

Never Let Me Go chose to end on a note of defeat, but having come to terms with the life that had been laid out before them. Atonement chose to end on the happy ending that life had deprived the characters of. And both, to me, were so very completely human. I lack any other way to truly describe them.

Atonement still remains my favorite film. The first time I saw it I was so overpowered by it that when I woke up the next morning, I began crying again. Watching Joe Wright's commentary on it changed a few things for me, but it only further solidified my love for this film. He doesn't like sad endings (has he seen this movie? Sad ending!) and then as I thought about it, I understood. For as heartbreaking as Atonement is, it actually ends happily. We are given the one thing we always wanted that life, or perhaps death, had stolen away.

There is one thing that both leave me with; the sense that life is painful and beautiful, and that death is equally so in quite a different way. Life, love, and death are so very human.

meine eltern schwester

As children, we fought constantly. It wasn't until she went away to college that things started to change, and by the time I was in college, everything was different. As time has passes between us, and the miles between us have increased, the distance between us has decreased. She's my best friend.

Okay, so Heidi came to visit me in LA for a few days, and amidst the chaos of film prep, we managed to have a great time. As per my dad's advice, after picking her up from the airport, we went to dinner at Marie Callender's, which amazingly enough is located within a short walking distance of where I live, and only two or three blocks down from the LAFSC center. Their strawberry pie has whole strawberries on it... and they're sort of huge. By sort of, I mean they are entirely huge. There's still left over pie in my fridge right now, but there probably won't be for too much longer.

Thursday, my sister went with me to Naimie's, which is a bit of a distance away, but we potentially saw Nicholas Cage driving a Ferrari next to us on the highway. Anyway, Naimie's is a makeup store that has lots of film hair/makeup supplies and such. It was soooo cool. While a consultant was explaining makeup options to us, Heidi decided to use the test makeup on me, so I was quite colorful, with yellow and iridescent fuchsia on one eye, blue and green on the other, and a different color glitter on each cheek. She went to class with me, where we were watching our MPP film rough cuts, and gave me some notes on mine, what she did and didn't like. Although we may not see eye to eye on things, I value her opinion over most other people's. Thursday night we attempted to go to a clothing/costume warehouse that happened to be located in south LA... it was closed, and we were both extremely pleased about that because we couldn't wait to get out of there. So we drove back to Yogurtland, and then went to the Duff's for Community night.

Friday I went to my internship for the morning (I work until 1-2ish on Fridays), while Heidi went to LACMA. When I got off, I went wardrobe/prop shopping again, and got a few things. After that, Heidi and I met up at Whimsic Alley, one of the coolest stores around here, which is magically located right across from school. She bought me a Hedwig! She also thoroughly enjoyed the Severus Snape lego keychain I gave her.

After that, we went out to the Santa Monica Pier. Neither of us have been there, so it was an exciting adventure for both of us! Albeit cold and windy, it was beautiful and full of life. Heidi even touched the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I've still got sand in my shoes. Santa Monica is awesome, and it has this great place where pedestrians just walk around, with lots of shops and restaurants. There's a charm to that area, that town, that the rest of LA just lacks. Funny story... so Heidi and I were running across a crosswalk to make it in time, and Heidi's camera case exploded and her camera went flying in three pieces. We managed to get it all picked up quickly and dashed out of the street (the cars were nice and didn't even honk at us. They were probably too busy laughing though...). When we put it all back together, it worked just fine.

Saturday afternoon she flew out after having spent the rest of the day on set with me. It was too short, but I have to enjoy it for what it was.

I finally belong somewhere.

All my life I've wanted to fit in somewhere, with someone. But even in the places where I fit in the best, it was never a true fit.

Last week was really hard on me emotionally. I mean, I can sound a bit melodramatic, but the truth is that I'm either really high or really low. I don't have much of anything in the middle. So my highs are hugely euphoric, and my lows border on suicidal. I'm not bipolar, or if I am I'm a highly functioning bipolar person, but it's just the way my personality is.

On a side note about my highs and lows, what I drink changes depending on which one I'm at. If I'm high, I drink coffee (or caffeine) to mello me out and not be such a six-year-old. When I'm low, I want tea to act as a comfort. Usually vanilla or chai or something "warm" flavored.

Anyway, my prof noticed that I was feeling really down and so he met with me to encourage me and just to talk with me and see how I was doing. I almost cried in his office. But I didn't let myself break down, mostly because I didn't want him to have to deal with a crying girl. Anyway, he just talked me through things and told me that what I was feeling was as normal as it gets for a director--even Steven Spielberg goes through this. It's okay for me to feel like this, it's okay for me to be upset and to doubt myself, it's okay for me to break down (just not in front of the crew), it's okay to feel lost, and it's okay not to have all the answers and solutions. He also said that from the start, there was no one else who could direct this film--I was the one with the vision for it. That alone was a huge thing for me to hear, because I've always wondered if someone else should have been picked, or if someone else could be doing a better job.

Yesterday we had a shoot that went well, all things considered. There were a lot of little things that kept happening that bothered me here and there. But we got what we needed. And the acting blew me out of the water at places. There were moments where I felt like I was at the edge of a real interaction and all I had to do was say something to jump into the action. I've never felt like something was that real before. It was magic and made my heart pound and at moments, stop altogether (not literally, but that's how it felt). I am a proud director after seeing that.

If nothing else, I have learned one main lesson about myself through all this: I have a film director's personality to the core.

Directing films: this is where I belong.

The Truth About Broken Hearts

They don't always hurt like you'd expect them to. And the truth about this broken heart? I never felt broken. I felt cheated out of three years of my life. That's what broke my heart.